


Honey

by blueharlequin



Series: Addiction [2]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Boss/Employee Relationship, Coping, Detox, Developing Relationship, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Older Man/Younger Man, Slow Build, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-14
Updated: 2013-07-22
Packaged: 2017-11-25 12:39:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/638999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueharlequin/pseuds/blueharlequin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reid struggles with his drug use and turns to the one person who has never abandoned him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set somewhere after/between episodes 2.20 to 3.02 because this is the time I can ascertain that Reid may have gone to detox. Episode 2.19 is when he says as part of the arsonist’s profile “arsonists are like drug addicts and would be almost impossible for him to quit without help” so I am guessing this is when he reached out to Gideon. Then from estimates in later episodes (for how long he’s been clean) when he finds Gideon’s letter in episode 3.02 is the last time he does drugs. References to 2.17 “Distress” and a short scene from 3.02 “In Birth and Death (In Name and Blood)” in Milwaukee.

Gideon tried to talk to him, tried to empathize, urged him to work through it. After the arson case in South San Francisco, like a good _father_ he had taken him to a clinic and checked him in. However, the second time Gideon had found him high as a kite, the older man had not been able to mask the flicker of disappointment that crossed his face. Spencer had almost flown into a rage. What right did he have to be disappointed? He needed help, not an understanding parental figure. This time was worse; it only ever seemed to get worse. Walking home, he had passed a house with all its windows open. The smell of frying fish had wafted out and he had barely made it into a nearby alley before regurgitating his lunch. After that, Reid couldn't make it home fast enough; he had practically wrenched the bathroom door off its hinges in his haste to shoot up. As he lay there letting the blissful numbness take him he thought, _“I need help. I can't do this alone.”_

Reid woke up on the tile floor. The cold smooth surface felt soothing against his flushed skin. He was sweating; he pulled the uncomfortable wet fabric of his sweater off and tossed it aside. There was a small tinkling noise and he watched with disinterest as the used syringe rolled away from him. Somehow the small bottle of Dilaudid had ended up at the base of the sink, the cap for the needle a few inches away from it. Fumbling into his pocket he pulled out his cell. Checking the time, he idly noted that he’d been out for about six hours. Who could he call? If he phoned the clinic directly they would send people to pick him up. He shivered. That reminded him too much of the time he had his mother committed. Scrolling through the list of contacts he made a small sound of disgust as Gideon's name came up. He put the phone down and rolled onto his back. Somewhere in between the front door and bathroom he had lost one of his shoes. He toed the other one off, listening to it clatter harshly when it dropped to the floor. Propping his feet with their mismatched socks against the side of the bathtub he mentally scrolled through the rest of his possibilities. There was no way he was calling Morgan. That would be too much like calling Gideon. The thought of being called "little brother" while being fussed over almost caused him to be sick again. JJ was too much like an older sister, and she already felt so guilty for splitting up and leaving him alone. He loved her too much to cause her more pain, the sight of him strung out like this would probably send her into hysterics. That was also the reason he couldn't call Garcia. Nope, no substantial help would be coming from that front. Prentiss? Reid really liked her. He sensed she could really handle anything thrown at her. Her calm demeanour soothed him and she could be relied on to keep her head in a difficult situation. Reid almost reached for the phone before the thought struck him. It was too new, too raw. He didn't want to start his friendship with her on this note. It wasn't that he considered her a stranger; she was part of the team. He admitted to himself that it had always been hard for him to open up and he hadn’t built up the necessary defences to handle rejection if his feelings about her were wrong.

That left one person. He turned it over in his mind. He could talk to Hotch. Hotch wasn't like a father figure and he certainly wouldn’t pander to him. The thought of involving his boss terrified him for a moment. Would Hotch suspend him? No, the man was strict but fair. As much as he followed the rules, Hotch would bend them to help his team members, as long as said member didn’t endanger the team. Gideon broke rules and for some reason, the thought struck Reid that Gideon _broke people as well_. Like his interrogation methods, he pushed and pushed until they broke. Reid was going to break under Gideon’s care. And like the low he was slowly spiralling down to, his mind circled back to Hotch. Hotch knew he had a problem, saw the irritable behaviour, the tardiness to meetings and the moments of blankness; yet hadn’t called him out on it. And he knew why; Gideon in so many subtle ways had told him to stay out of it. One little call and he would either be saved or damned. The thought felt appropriate after what he went through with Hankel. His hand skimmed over the cold tile towards the phone. Flipping it open, he pressed the speed dial for Hotch and made the call. Afterwards, before he passed out again, he looked at the keypad and wondered how long Hotch would stay #2.

* * *

“Hotchner.”

“Hotch, it’s ... Reid. Ah, do you think you could ... come over my apartment?” Hotch frowned deeply at the broken quality in the young man’s voice.

“Reid, are you okay?” he tried to keep his voice even.

“No ... I can’t do it on my own. I need help with ... a problem I’ve been having lately.” Reid voice wavered and Hotch had to strain to hear him.

“Do you want me to call Gideon?” He had to make sure Reid knew what he was asking.

The level of panic in Reid’s voice skyrocketed “No!” he paused, “... no ... it’s got to be you, please help me.”

“Okay Reid, calm down. I’ll be there as fast as I can.” Hotch heard a murmured, _“Thank you”_ and then the line went dead.

  



	2. Chapter 2

Hotch stared at the phone in his hand and thanked whatever powers that be that Haley had taken Jack over to her sister’s place for a weekend visit. He had a feeling this was not something that could be solved quickly. If in fact it was what he thought it was, then he needed to prepare himself a bit. Grabbing his go bag he pulled out the usual changes of dress shirts and slacks and replaced them with t-shirts and jeans. Looking up at the clock he saw that it was a little past midnight.

Hotch rang the bell and knocked a couple of times before pulling out the key to Reid’s apartment. The rest of the apartment was dark but he could see a sliver of light emanating from the bathroom door down the hall. One of Reid’s shoes lie in the middle of the floor and for a brief moment the senior agent wondered if he should pull out his gun. He walked down the hallway and slowly opened the bathroom door. Reid was lying crumpled on the floor shivering in the throes of withdrawal. Hotch was shocked, Gideon hadn’t said anything about this and for a moment he was angry at the older man. Hotch picked up the used syringe and placed the cap back on it. He grabbed Reid’s cell and the bottle of Dilaudid and went in search of the kitchen.

Coming back with a glass of water he sat on the floor next to the young man. Hotch checked his pulse and was relieved when he found it to be slow but not unusually so. Shaking the youth slightly he spoke to him, “Reid? Reid? Wake up.” The younger agent’s eyes fluttered open then closed again. Hotch pulled him up into a sitting position. “Spencer!” This time his eyes popped open and he regarded the older man with a glassy look.

“Hotch? What?” He swayed and put his hand up to his mouth. The unit chief flipped up the lid on the toilet and shoved him towards it. After throwing up earlier, Spencer had very little in his stomach. Nevertheless, he bent over the toilet until he clutched at his stomach to stop the dry heaves. Hotch stood up and ran the water in the sink. Reid jumped as the man handed him a damp washcloth. He sat, leaning against the porcelain bowl wiping his face and staring at the other man. When he put down the cloth the unit chief handed him the glass of water. Reid drank half of it in small sips trying to recall why he had though it was a good idea to call his superior. The senior agent hadn’t spoken to him yet but just continued to lean against the sink and stare at him calmly.

“What do I need to do?” He finally asked. Reid was shocked. He had been expecting the third degree.

“Aren’t you going to say something about this?" He asked instead. The withdrawal was making him dizzy and irritable. He was spoiling for a fight. Reid knew it wasn’t fair that he was taking it out on Hotch when the person his resentment was for wasn’t present. It was easier to be angry than to breakdown and cry.

“What do want me to say? I’m unhappy you didn’t ask me for help sooner?” The older man continued to observe him. “Spencer, I’m here as a friend, not as your boss.”

He suddenly realised that was the second time the senior agent had called him by his first name. Reid looked the older man over. He was dressed in a t-shirt and worn jeans and was certainly not in “SAC mode.” Since he had no response for that and apparently Hotch was going to let him vent his frustration upon him, Reid was at a loss for what to do next. This was quickly descending into the most awkward moment of his life. Putting down the glass of water he moved to get up. Strong hands grabbed him and held him steady as he lost his balance and toppled over. Hotch picked him up bridal style and Spencer squeaked in embarrassment as he was carried to the bed. The older man dumped him there then went back into the bathroom. He came back a few minutes later with the glass of water, another towel and a waste basket.

No sooner than he had sat the bin down in front of him Spencer had to throw up again. His throat stung as the water and bile came back up and he grimaced in disgust. What must Hotch be thinking of him? At least when Gideon had taken him to the clinic it had only been a group of strangers that witnessed the level he had sunk to. He sat there for a few moments waiting for the nausea to pass before placing the wastebasket back on the floor. Hotch was rifling through his bureau drawer. He was about to ask what he was doing when the man threw a pair of pyjamas at him.

“You need to change. Your clothes are soaked through.” Reid fumbled with the buttons on his dress shirt for a moment before looking at them in annoyance. He jerked as his hands were gently batted away. Hotch kneeled in front of him and began unbuttoning his shirt. Spencer’s breath hitched as the man pulled his shirt off then grabbed one of the wet washcloths from where he had placed them on the nightstand. The young man closed his eyes as the senior agent wiped the sweat off his chest and back. He tugged the pyjama top on over his head then his hands dropped down to unbuckle his belt. “Lift your hips.” Hotch wiped down his legs after he removed his slacks. Spencer let his mind drift a little bit as the man helped him put the bottoms on. He hadn’t needed anyone’s help to dress since he was very little so the act was taking on a very different meaning for him. The man’s gentle touches left his skin feeling ultra sensitive and he wasn’t sure it was from the drugs or something else. He lay back on the bed as Hotch gathered up his clothes and tossed them in the hamper.

Reid looked up as he dragged a chair next to the bed. “Will you stay?”

The older man nodded. “I’ll stay for as long as you need me to. Go to sleep. We’ll work this out in the morning.” The young doctor closed his eyes and tried to go to sleep, all the while hyper aware of the man watching over him.

  



	3. Chapter 3

When Spencer woke up the chair next to his bed was empty. He could smell coffee brewing and various other things which made his stomach roil in discontent. He got up and walked into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes as he entered the room. He heard a chuckle and looked up to see Hotch grinning at him over a bowl of cereal. “You look like my son when he wakes up.”

“Coffee?”

“Maybe. How does your stomach feel?”

“Like it’s been turned inside out. Hotch, I don’t think handle anything without coffee.”

“Mmm, as long as you eat a bowl of that too.” He pointed to a pot simmering lightly on the stove. An empty bowl was sitting on the counter next to it. Reid bent over the saucepan and his nose wrinkled as the smell wafted up to him.

“Chicken soup? For breakfast?” His stomach grumbled in hunger but he also felt a tinge of nausea. He looked at Hotch pleadingly but the older man just went back to eating his cereal. Reid turned the burner off, spooned the soup into the bowl, set it on the table and then he went over to the machine and proceeded to fix his coffee.

“Well you seem to be doing a lot better than last night.” Hotch watched him as he swished his spoon around in the soup and looked at it with some trepidation.

“Since Dilaudid has such a short action period the withdrawal is usually just as short and rather intense. The symptoms can peak within as little as nine hours and last as long as twenty one hours. Within thirty-six to seventy-two hours it is usually over. During that period the user can experience nausea, cold sweats, vomiting, muscle pain, and insomnia.” He paused for a moment as he sipped a spoonful of the soup.

Hotch had listened to his text book explanation intently but went back to eating as soon as Spencer started eating his meal. The senior agent finished his cereal first; he put his spoon down and watched the young man as he ate. Reid could feel the older man’s eyes assessing him. There was no judgement, just observation and information gathering. Reid was unprepared for when he spoke. “What do I need to do?” Hotch asked again.

Spencer wrapped his arms around his midsection. He laughed nervously, “Hotch, I really don’t know. I’m supposed to be some sort of genius but I can’t seem to get myself out of this situation. Logically I know what should be done, but it was tried already and I just seemed to lapse back. I saw the Bureau therapist as required but I think I just came away with more questions than answers.”

Hotch nodded, he had read Reid’s evaluation and knew that the young man was having flashbacks and nightmares. Morgan had even told him about the talk they had after the case in Westchester and the unit chief had been pleased with his advice to the younger agent. But apparently there was something missing from the equation that Reid needed to overcome his addiction. As he sat next to the bed during the night he had thought long and hard on how to approach this. Gideon had taken Reid to a clinic and he had gone through detox, but as soon as he was unattended he had gone back to using. The older man hadn’t invested the time and the care he should have into helping his protégé. Hotch only briefly pondered the investment this would be in his life, he had no doubts whether or not it was worth it to do this. He looked up at Spencer and noted the younger man had been watching him as he sat there in thought.

“I need to know if we are going to go through with this that you are fully committed to it.” Hotch moved his chair until he was sitting next to him. “Also, this has to be separate. Last night I said to you ‘I’m here as a friend’ and I meant that. I can’t be your boss in this situation. It’s just Aaron and Spencer.”

Reid fully understood the need for the compartmentalisation. They were possibly about to embark on something that could both cost them their jobs if it ever came to light. “I understand. How did you want to do this?”

“Is the amount you told me he gave you in the cabin the amount you are taking now? And how often are you taking it?”

Reid connected the dots before he even answered. “Yes. And it’s sporadically, mostly whenever I have a bad time managing the nightmares or if something triggers a flashback. But if I average it out it extrapolates to once every 2.73 days. Wouldn’t it be better to just to stop completely?”

“That explains the irritability. Yes, it would, but as evidenced that approach did not work. How often were you using before you went to the clinic?”

“About three times a day.” Hotch looked a little stunned. The younger man didn’t blame him, he had often wondered how he had survived taking that much.

“Then the withdrawal you endured must have been far more painful than what I witnessed last night.” He muttered it, but they were sitting so close Reid heard every single word. Hotch wondered if Jason had spent any time with him while he was at the clinic. If he had stood by him at all while he was in pain, probably puking up his guts while strangers watched. “I want you to show me all of your drugs and all of your needles. I want to see what you have but you can keep all of it with you.” He stopped, indicating he wanted him to do it now. Spencer shambled into his bedroom and came back out a few minutes later. He then walked over to his messenger bag and rifled through it. He placed all of the items in front of the older man and waited for the reprimand. Instead, Hotch just asked him, “Is this enough to get us through this to the end if we use your average?”

Reid did a quick calculation, “Yes, but do you really want to take the time for that?”

“We will take as much time as you need. If we need more because you need more time then so be it. As it stands, every three days I will come over and we will do this together. We’ll decrease the dosage each time and then we can deal with whatever comes afterwards. ”

“Why aren’t you going to take them away? And what are you going to tell Haley on those nights you are with me? I can’t let my problem interfere with your life like that. There has to be some other way.” Reid knew that things were strained enough between Hotch and his wife. He didn’t want to be the catalyst if something happened.

“Don’t worry about that. I need you know that I am always here if you need me. I need you to understand that. I also need you to feel in control of this. If you start craving and it’s too much, the drugs are there, but I want you to call me before you consider taking them. Will you agree to all of those conditions?”

Spencer thought about it. This was a big risk but at the same time Aaron was confident that they could do it. He suddenly felt a warm pain blossom in his chest as he realised the man trusted him with this decision. “Yes...” he stuttered. “Yes, I agree. I can do this.” 

The dark haired man corrected him, “We can do this.”

Spencer didn’t know what to do with the sentiment he was feeling. Covering his face with his hands, he blurted out, “Aaron, why are you doing all of this for me?”

“Because you are my friend, and I care about you.” The older man pulled his hands away and squeezed them comfortingly as the young agent began to cry in relief.

  



	4. Chapter 4

As Spencer emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet he realised that Hotch was standing at the doorway watching. “Ugh, it’s really embarrassing having you watch me while I’m doing this. I’m really disgusting at the moment.” He sat down on the floor and mumbled his thanks as the older man handed him a towel and a sports drink.

“Spencer, you are not disgusting. And throwing up is nothing to be embarrassed about. I have a little boy. You learn to grow a thick skin.” He leaned forward and flushed the toilet. “Throw up is one of the easier things to clean up and children aren’t as kind to make for the nearest bathroom or garbage can.”

Reid leaned against the tub, “Aaron, this isn’t working. At least we’re able to do this now because the case yesterday wrapped up so quickly. But what happens when we have to go away for several days? Not to mention you won’t be able to torture me with more soup if the hotel doesn’t have a kitchen.”

Aaron grinned. The fact the young man could joke about it showed they were making some progress. The next moment he sighed in resignation, Hotch had thought about that and what he was coming up with was a plethora of bad ideas. While he didn’t want Spencer to be high while they were on a case it obviously hadn’t stopped him before. He didn’t want to have to work around it. It would be a hard make excuses to keep the young man at the station should they have to arrest a suspect or go out into the field for some reason. He was vaguely considering the option of obtaining some methadone. Keeping Spencer on the reducing doses of the Dilaudid did nothing to curb the withdrawal symptoms and he knew it was taking a toll on the young man’s body. Not that there was any legal way to obtain it, either. He knew somehow Spencer had found a dealer because he had confessed to having only taken two bottles from Tobias’ body. What he had placed in front of him over a week ago had been more than that.

After Spencer had cried his eyes out, Hotch had sent him back to bed. He had slept on and off, waking up to throw up, to pace back and forth, to watch movies with Aaron. He had grumbled when the older man had handed him another bowl of soup but ate it as directed. He would shake and sweat, which would make him want to shower. Hotch knew he was mortified to have the older man stand outside the door while he did this, but it couldn’t be helped. It was far less awkward than he had been after their _talk_. They never mentioned his breakdown afterwards and for the sake of Spencer’s pride Hotch had written it off as a mood swing caused by the withdrawal. Monday he was irritable but had managed not to be antagonistic. He had calmed down by Tuesday, but by the time the plane touched down on its return from Baltimore Reid was just about crazy from the cravings. That evening Hotch had called Haley to tell her they were leaving for a case and driven Reid home and the cycle had started again. Aaron had gone in early with the excuse he had to leave early to take Jack to the doctor. He had told the team Spencer had called out with food poisoning. Then there was the call to Reid to tell him he needed to call Morgan and Garcia to assure them they did not need to come over. After leaving Quantico, he had returned to the young man’s apartment to this.

What had amazed him was that Gideon hadn’t noticed. Sure, he and Reid had somehow managed to keep everything strictly professional at the office, but the older man was a seasoned profiler. Then again he hadn’t noticed that Reid had started to use again. The senior agent was so wrapped up in his cycle of doubt that Hotch was beginning to wonder if, as the team leader, he needed to do something about it. Pushing that thought aside he came back to the situation at hand. He had researched everything he could about the effects of Dilaudid, the addiction cycle, withdrawal, methods of detoxification. Aaron had been distressed to learn that years after the physical cravings had stopped the user could still experience psychological cravings. Spencer would most likely have to continually manage his addiction for the rest of his life. He could easily lapse back if he didn’t have the support of his friends and colleagues. Before he had even consciously acknowledged it Aaron had committed himself to helping the young man through it, for as long as he needed him. He didn’t bother to ignore his subconscious when it supplied the words, _even if it was for the rest of his life_.

With all of this in mind he turned to the distressed youth, “Spencer, do you feel well enough to go out on your own?”

Reid looked at him in confusion, “Think I can manage it. Why?”

“How hard would it be to get methadone?”

Spencer looked at him sharply. “No. I’m never calling that number again for anything. I know what you want to do but it didn’t work at the clinic and it won’t work now. I’m not weak. I’m not.”

Hotch drew in a breath as he recognised the phase. Spencer had told him almost everything he could remember when Tobias had turned off the cameras. There were a few things he had glossed over and Hotch was sure there were a few things he had left out completely but the older man hadn’t pressed. Some of it had been things that were in the case file but most of it had been intensely personal. Hotch had quizzed him on it mostly to see if he could find the root of the younger man’s addiction, a trigger or something that they could work with. The older man knew that Spencer was a painfully private person and for him to share anything was amazing. The revelation that the young man had felt safe when Tobias was around and had drugged him had made sense to the senior agent after looking at the situation with Reid’s insights. “I’m not saying you are weak Spencer. If anything, I’m agreeing with you.”

The young man pulled himself off the floor and pulled out a shoebox from under the sink. Hotch wondered what he was doing until he lifted the lid revealing the bottles of drugs he still had left. The older man lunged forward as Reid threw the first one in the bathtub, watching it shatter over the enamel bottom.

“What are you doing?” he grabbed the younger man’s arm as he hefted a second bottle.

“This isn’t working! I want to stop, I want to stop NOW!” Aaron let go of his hand and stood back. Spencer looked at him in uncertainty.

Aaron nodded, “Go ahead, I won’t stop you if this is what you really want.”

Reid looked forlornly at the glass shattered in the tub and shoved the box into the older man’s hands, “Get rid of it. I’ll get through it, I’ll just stop. When I show up tomorrow I can just blame the nausea and everything on the residual effects of food poisoning. Everyone should leave me alone for the most part if I’m not feeling well.”

The older man looked at the box in his hands, “How do you want to handle the rest of it?” He knew the problem wasn’t the visible physical side effects but the psychological ones. It was mainly the nightmares and the flashbacks. The flashbacks were getting better but it was nightmares giving him the problem. Spencer didn’t want to sleep or sometimes couldn’t sleep. The insomnia made him tired, which in turn made him irritable.

The younger man snorted, “I think I did pretty well with my behaviour the other day.”

Aaron refrained from pointing out that he had spent most of the day with Gideon. The older man was, at the moment, far too wrapped up in his own world to notice much of anything and Morgan had been occupied by the young Russian woman. As he pushed himself away from the wall he said to the young man, “Haley still thinks I’m on a case. Do you still want me to stay with you?”

An unreadable expression crossed Spencer’s face for a moment. For once, it was a look that Hotch couldn’t interpret. He nodded before replying in a hesitant voice, “Please,” he paused as if thinking it over, “just … remember to call Jack.”

The older man smiled at him brilliantly, “I will.” He looked at the mess in the bathtub. “Come on, let’s clean that up. Then we can talk about how we’re going to get through the next few weeks.”

  



	5. Chapter 5

Spencer stared at the ceiling as he lie in bed and wondered why Hotch was doing all of this for him. The man was going over and above what was expected of a good friend or even a best friend. Part of him knew the reason; Aaron had deduced that Reid needed someone to share this with. The logic behind it was sound and it made complete sense when examined with past events in mind. He looked over at the other man. Hotch had fallen asleep on the couch they had moved into his bedroom from the living room. He had almost offered to share the bed even if it was a little small, but the older man had suggested the couch instead. If Spencer really thought about it, the two of them sharing a bed was an extremely bad idea. It bordered on dangerous, due to the very recent inappropriate thoughts he had been harbouring for the man.

Reid was convinced that these feelings came out of gratitude, or at least part of him was. The other part of his mind supplied things that contradicted that. The biggest being his partiality to the senior agent. Sure he most likely had equal parts of respect and admiration for Gideon, but there was something different when it came to Hotch. Reid wanted to chalk it up to the man being their unit chief. As such, he had the responsibility to make sure his team had the guidance and support they needed. But that still didn’t explain that why, in his moment of need, he had chosen Hotch. There were plenty of more recent conversations he had with Gideon that he could have referenced when Raphael was holding the gun to his head. Gideon would have been just as apt to figure out the clues Reid had dropped in his bible quotation. But he had chosen Hotch. And that was the thought that was keeping him awake.

Spencer knew he would eventually drive himself crazy if he kept re-examining their motivations in all of this. He marvelled at the level of compartmentalisation the older man possessed. As much as he had professed that ‘this had to be separate’ it really wasn’t. Hotch had covered for him at work and had sacrificed part of his home life to help him. That was the one part of this whole mess that bothered him. He didn’t care for Haley, but he knew Aaron did, so it confused him as to why he was here instead of at home with her. Also this was quality time he was missing that he could spend with Jack. Even though he was still a toddler the older man needed to spend time with him. Spencer briefly wondered what would have happened in his life if his father had left them when he was very young. He shut down that train of thought immediately. It was bad enough that he was still occasionally having flashbacks of his kidnapping. He didn’t need to revisit memories of his childhood again as well. Recognising that he was just getting himself caught in an ever growing mire of depressing thoughts Reid shut his eyes and willed his body to go to sleep.

The next day was uneventful and everyone spent their time doing paperwork. Morgan had some good natured ribbing for Reid in the form of teasing him about eating week old leftover Indian food. Garcia kept coming by with peppermints and tea before the young agent convinced the both of them that he just needed some peace and quiet. For once he was thankful for the reprieve between cases. That evening before they left for the day Hotch called him into his office. “Will you be okay?”

“I’m doing fine so far. I think catching up with my case files helped a little bit. It’s just bad when I’m idle and I think too much.”

Hotch’s lips flattened into a thin line. “Reid, you’re always thinking too much.”

“I’m okay. Please go home and don’t worry about me.”

His superior sighed in resignation. “Call me if you need anything. And I mean that, anything. I don’t care what time it is.” The older man stared him down as he debated his answer. Spencer hated being this needy and although Hotch wasn’t smothering him he thought it was finally time he dealt with some of this on his own. But … it didn’t hurt to have a safety net.

He let out the breath he was holding. “Yeah, I will. I promise.” He knew Aaron hadn’t asked him for one but the reassurance caused the tension to leave his shoulders. Reid smiled at him gratefully.

The young agent saw him hesitate for a second. “How are you feeling?” He asked lowly even though they were behind closed doors.

“Not bad actually, I feel like I’m at the tail end of a horrible cold. Because of Garcia, I have a new appreciation for peppermints.” His heart jumped as Hotch flashed him one of his rare smiles, the type that usually only came out for loved ones or in this case when their technical analyst had done something that the older man found particularly amusing.

“Well she is nothing if not persistent.” The unit chief motioned toward the door and Reid followed him out grabbing his bag before they left the building.

The next few weeks Spencer barely had time to think about how he was feeling, the cases popped up one after another. One moment they were traipsing the back woods of Idaho and Reid was comforted by the fact that the unit chief had kept him with him at the station. Then shortly after that they were combing skid row in Kansas City. The young profiler supposed he should have been embarrassed by being propositioned in front of his boss but for some reason he was at ease while they were canvassing the neighbourhood. He was even able to keep a straight face in front of Morgan at a bit of good natured teasing from his superior.

Everything was going well until Frank Breitkopf returned. Then suddenly Reid’s attention was focused on the well being of his mentor. He was also amazed at the amount of things Hotch did during the investigation that were directly against procedure. These past few weeks had awakened him to the fact that his superior was probably not as straight and narrow as he had thought. The unit chief had covered for him and now he was covering for Gideon. For the moment everything seemed fine. Reid understood the elder agent’s need to plunge back into the job. Sarah’s murder and Frank and Jane’s suicide had unbalanced them all. Hotch was tense and the young agent had no doubt that Strauss was behind it. So his suspension after the Arizona case came as no surprise. 

Oddly enough, during his days away from the office Hotch called him to ask if he was okay; and he few times he did so were always at odd instances in the day. Spencer finally deduced that the man was calling him whenever he had a more than a few moments away from Haley. The younger man’s heart almost stopped when he figured it out and once again he realised that the reassurance helped. Despite all of disorder around him Spencer was relieved that he seemed to be managing it well. It was almost near a month that he hadn’t taken any drugs. The cravings were under control as long as he watched his stress levels. He wasn’t worried about Gideon until he didn’t show up for their chess game, then his anxiety kicked into high gear.

* * *

 

**Milwaukee**

As they walked back towards the SUVs after examining the body Reid turned to him. “Hotch, how is it that you always know where Gideon is? Like when we were in Houston with that soldier who had PTSD, you knew where he was after the case.”

The older man regarded him for a moment. “Gideon and I have known each other for a long time. Although he may not be aware of it, I am ... I can always tell when he is overwhelmed,” Hotch paused and Spencer could tell he was trying to articulate something that was difficult, “for lack of better words, it triggers his fight or flight response and he feels the need to get to someplace calm. I can’t explain it, but I think of where I would go if I were Gideon and inevitably, I find him there.” The young man nodded in understanding. He came to an abrupt halt as he heard Hotch mutter softly, almost as an afterthought, “I will always find you if you are lost.” Reid stared at him for a moment in askance. Hotch looked at him sharply, “Reid, I want you to know what ever happens you can always depend on me. Even if I have to transfer out of our unit I will still be there if you need me." 

Spencer smiled in comprehension; at that moment, the statement was enough to satisfy him. Thankfully, they wrapped up the case shortly after that and Strauss’ interference seemed to clarify Hotch’s decision. Even though his answer to Morgan was ambiguous, Reid was sure that Aaron would find a way to stay with the team. The young doctor had also resolved to shove his burgeoning feelings for the older man into the back of his mind. He would examine them later when everything had settled. Now the only thing left for him was to make sure his mentor was okay when they got back to Quantico.

* * *

 

**Virginia**

After looking around the empty house, Hotch sat in the living room and had a drink. Haley had made her position clear in her own passive aggressive manner. After a few hours of contemplating his options Aaron came to the conclusion that going back to the office would be far preferable to staying at home alone. He wondered if his team had all gotten home and were comfortably sleeping off their exhaustion. Suddenly, he realised that one member hadn’t gone home. As he pulled out of the parking lot, Reid had turned the wrong way for him to be heading to his apartment. Hotch should have known that Reid would seek Gideon out after their talk in Milwaukee, should have gone with him just in case. Calculating the time they got back plus time it took to make a round trip to Gideon’s cabin he surmised Reid had probably just arrived at his apartment. Considering, the volatile state he was in coupled with the stress of the past few weeks, Hotch just hoped he hadn’t done anything stupid. If he left the house now he might be able to make it over there before Spencer did something he would regret later. 

  



	6. Chapter 6

Pulling up to the curb he spotted Reid’s car. Hotch ran his hand over the hood. It was still warm. _“Good, he couldn’t have been home too long,”_ he thought. After knocking twice, Aaron opened the door to the young man’s apartment. Spencer’s messenger bag was lying in the floor near the door along with his sidearm and his go bag. What he saw next caused his heart to sink. Gideon’s gun and credentials were sitting next to them along with an envelope that the unit chief knew contained the older man’s farewell message. He observed all of this in the few seconds he gave himself before purposely striding down the hallway.

Aaron found Spencer on the floor of the bathroom again. However, in this instance his condition was a far cry from the state he had found him in the very first time. The young man’s lips were blue and he didn’t respond when Hotch spoke to him. He rubbed the younger agent’s chest and checked his breathing. Reid was struggling to draw in breath and Hotch cursed as he realised he was going to have to use that thing. He ran back out to his car and retrieved his go bag almost spilling the contents in his haste to get back into the building. Aaron pulled out the kit he had gotten what seemed eons ago when this all started. Ripping open the package, he assembled the two Narcan dispensers and quickly administered the first one. After a few minutes he used the second dose. Hotch knew he was taking a risk with Spencer’s life by not calling 911 but deep down he understood it was what the young man wanted. He was on the verge of panic when the young agent finally drew in a deep breath and blinked rapidly. “Hotch?” he slurred.

Gathering the young man up, Hotch carried him into the bedroom and sat down on the bed still cradling him in his arms. “This is the last time. You understand Spencer? I can't find you like this again.”

The young man smiled at him lazily, “I know Aaron. He's really gone isn't he?” The young agent sighed, “Thank you for being here for me. I know I'm being very stupid right now. Remind me when I’m all together again that I promised this was the last time.” Hotch wasn't prepared for what came next. The young man pulled him closer and softly brushed a kiss over his lips. He froze as the sensation sparked a feeling deep down in him that he couldn’t explain properly. In the part of his mind that compartmentalised everything he filed away the kiss under “gratitude for saving my life.” It went in the same box that the embrace in the cemetery was stored. With everything that was going on at the moment he couldn’t think of it as any more than that. He looked down at the young man in his arms. Spencer had passed out and was breathing shallowly but his lips were no longer blue and he wasn’t struggling. The older man shook him gently to wake him back up. If everything held true to form Reid would want to throw up in a few moments anyway.

Everything happened as usual but this time there was a thin edge of desperation in their routine. They didn’t speak for several hours as Spencer worked through what was probably the worst bout of withdrawal symptoms he had known. The younger man had abandoned trying to sit on the edge of the bed once he determined it was too much effort to stagger back and forth to the bathroom. Aaron had stopped hovering in the doorway after Spencer had decided that he was going to stay there. The young agent knew he was restlessly camping out in the bedroom on the couch and grimaced as he heard the older man get up once again and pace around the room.

It was still sometime into the dark hours of the morning as Reid puked until he clutched his stomach in pain and almost passed out. Hotch let himself look worried for once and the young man felt guilty for all the trouble he was causing him. “It’s worst this time because I haven’t been using,” he muttered. He was dizzy and his mouth felt like it was covered in cotton. Spencer cringed as he realised he was sitting on the floor next to the toilet in his boxers. Somehow, that was far more embarrassing than having Hotch watch him as he heaved his guts out. He closed the lid and rested his head against the porcelain surface. “Aaron, I’m... ”

“Are you serious?” The older man cut him off before he could apologize.

Spencer frowned at his straightforward question. “I don’t know,” he said shamefully. “I’m tired. I’m so tired and I just want this to end.”

The older man looked at him sharply but Spencer refused to return his gaze. He just wanted to lie down and sleep and forget about everything. He felt Hotch’s arms come around him and lift him, once again carrying him to the bed. The young man had closed his eyes after his admission in the bathroom and he listened as the senior agent arranged himself in the chair by the bed. He felt a hand gently smooth back his hair and he jerked as the touch was alarmingly unexpected. The room was too silent and Spencer drew in a shaky breath when Aaron squeezed his hand and sighed. “You frightened me.” The younger profiler opened his eyes. The sight that greeted him was something that disturbed him greatly; he didn’t think he had ever seen Hotch look like he didn’t know what he was doing. “I don’t want to lose you to this.”

The admission and the look on the older man’s face hurt him in ways he couldn’t explain. Spencer didn’t know what to say, he felt as helpless now as he had been when this began. He remembered the cool surface of the tile in his bathroom, how it had felt that night he had called Hotch. It came back to him now as he recalled collapsing onto it hours ago. This time it had felt clammy and sickening and the thought of that sensation disgusted him. All he could think of was how he never wanted to wake up to that ever again. “I promised didn’t I? That this was the last time.”

“Yes.” Aaron let go of his hand and stood. “But you promised me and that’s not good enough.” Reid watched as the older man pulled out one of his dresser drawers and rummaged around in it. It took Spencer a few moments before he realised what Hotch was doing. Turning his back to the elder agent he pulled a pillow over his head and burrowed into the covers, simultaneously trying to ignore what was happening and attempting to will himself to sleep at the same time.

  



	7. Chapter 7

Aaron searched the entire apartment while Spencer slept. He looked through all of the cushions and all of the young man’s bureau drawers. He emptied out every cereal box and opened every book. When he was finished he was only partially relieved at the small amount of items gathered on the kitchen table. However, the most disturbing find hadn’t been the Oxycodone that was hidden in a coat pocket in the closet, but the bottle of meth that had been concealed at the back of the pantry. The very presence of the items was a very large betrayal but Hotch knew he couldn’t be angry or disappointed. Anger would only be met with Reid’s spectacular brand of stubbornness and he didn’t have any right to be disappointed.

Aaron acknowledged that he had failed Spencer in so many ways in the aftermath of his abduction by Tobias Hankel. He had known that Gideon had never completely gotten over the incident in Boston. The recurring symptoms of his PTSD had been hidden instead of managed. The first time, when Jason had questioned his own judgement over Elle being shot had been his first clue, but Aaron had chosen to ignore it. He wanted to believe Gideon had it together and was just feeling the remorse that every senior agent did when a team mate was injured. He had also written it off when the older man questioned himself again in Hankel’s cabin. Aaron knew how close the mentor protégé relationship between the two was and had chosen to stay out of it. He had trusted that Gideon had Reid’s recovery under control until he missed the plane in New Orleans. Afterwards, the younger man had dropped glaringly unsubtle clues for help and he had ignored them. As his superior he should have asked if everything was alright, and as his friend he should have _made sure_ everything was alright.

When Spencer woke up that afternoon he wandered out of his room into the kitchen. Aaron was sitting at the table staring at something on it. He looked up as the young man looked down at the items. The senior profiler didn’t miss the panicked expression that crossed his face as he realised what they were. Making sure his tone didn’t sound disapproving, Hotch said to him, “I won’t ask if this is everything. I won’t even ask why you have them. The only question I have for you is ‘is this what you want?’”

Reid flopped into the chair across from him. He was at a loss, “I don’t understand.”

Aaron’s mouth flattened into a thin harsh line. “I’m asking you what you want. It’s always been your choice. Do you want this,” he gestured to the drugs on the table, “a quick and easy escape or do you want to end this and move on with your life at the BAU.”

Spencer’s face took on a mulish quality and he crossed his arms in front of him in defence. “Are you asking that as my boss or my friend?” he asked sullenly.

“Both,” the older man snapped back at him. “Spencer, as your friend and your boss I need to know if you can make a promise _to yourself_ that last night was the last time. It doesn’t matter how much I want you to stop using, you have to want to stop.”

Reid wanted to stop, wanted this to be the last time. He wanted to stay in the FBI and be a part of the BAU. The young doctor knew that he was only there by very special circumstances; most people his age were still going to training or were probationary field agents. Aaron was right. There was no way he could continue this way. He had been using the older man as a crutch. Speaking very slowly for once, he voiced the first things that came to him, “Working at the BAU is all that I have in my life... it is my life. And I _know_ that this,” he gestured to the items on the table, “is taking that away from me. If I continue like this I will lose both.” He looked up at his friend _and_ his boss, Aaron Hotchner. The older man nodded. Drawing in a shaky breath he continued, “I think I have been fooling myself that I can get through this with only your help and my will power. But I still don’t want to go to a clinic; even I know that is not a long term solution and I don’t want to give up your help either. I want to stay with y... with the BAU. But at the same time I want to get away from this terror, this thing that is eating me up and not letting me move forward. ” He slumped forward against the table, all the tension drained out of him, it was almost as though the words had been all that were holding him up.

Watching the young man shake as he tried to compose himself Aaron realised several other mistakes he had made. He had not spent enough time with Reid teaching him how to compartmentalise. He had relied on the showing and the leading by example instead of telling and teaching. He had also ignored the bad example Gideon represented. The events that had led to this moment were a testimony to the senior agent’s inability to keep the work from getting to him. This brought to mind yet another thing, Reid’s exceptional talents in no way compensated for his lack of experience. Thanks to his mentor, he did not have the years spent in law enforcement to grow a thick skin or to develop a proper control of his headspace in the face of the things they dealt with. It was then Hotch also realised, with some amount of self loathing, that he had been conceited. A small part of him had wanted to be the only one Reid needed to turn to and that had been where he failed. Even if it was something he didn’t want to share with the team, Spencer needed others to support him. He needed others who could relate to him and at the same time not be a part of his personal or professional life. Sighing, he looked up as he realised the young man had been studying him while he thought. “Spencer...” he hesitated, “how would you feel about attending an NA meeting?” Aaron tried not to laugh at the myriad emotions that passed over the young man’s. He waited as the younger agent worked through his thoughts. He opened and closed his mouth several times but seemed to come to a different conclusion just as he was about to speak. Aaron sat patiently as Reid seemingly made a decision.

For a moment Reid couldn’t believe what Aaron had suggested. The other man knew how personal, how _private_ this was. To say he was shocked by the suggestion was understandable. However, after a moment of contemplation, Spencer conceded that it was a viable idea. Looking up at the older man, he muttered, “I... I think that might work.”

  



End file.
